Divinorum Greetings: Episode one

I Walk towards my bed. There are 2 metal pipes tied to the sides of my legs that makes walking very difficult.
Seems like there are 2 other people in the room with me who were in my face when i was lighting the pipe.They were talking a lot! One woman and some other guy.The woman especially She just couldnt keep quiet. I dont really like their company and it would have been better if they were'nt here but its ok theyre family.(i think).

I lie down and i feel as though my back has turned into a machine. Its buzzing with mechanical sounds and theres a wave of 'electric shaving machine zzzzzzzzzz' buzz gently riding all along my spine but horizontally.I can hear it clearly and its pleasant.

I look at the walls which are now changing into a wedding decor.The walls are morphing.Theyre growing and coming back down riding along the music that i am playing in the background.I can feel the blood in my left leg move to the beat of the music. My head also has a pulse that is moving to a certain frequency of the music.
My vision goes sine wave.Everything in front of me is conformed to a sine wave that has frozen in time.

The speakers start conspiring against me. Its funny because i know what they are talking about.They are conspiring to get me married off. Like 2 distant relatives at a wedding, I can see the right and the left woofer talk in hush tones about me. My slim tall fan is staring at them and is a silent spectator to all of this.He has no say in the matter whatsoever and is like an adult with the brain of a child who does only what he is told. Sweet chap that fan.
I try not to laugh looking at these 3 entites act out their bits but i cant help myself. I burst out laughing because of the euphoria.

Thank you lady Salvia.
Lesson one:I have a chattering brain that needs to be quietened.
Lesson two: I have i believe, felt the latent kundalini ride along my spine laying quiet till it can manifest into something.

Dust Pao

Unique mobile restaurant with one employee serving delicious dust pao.
Our patrons are served the best pao in the city and the unique way of eating is described on location.

Mondays
is train special dust pao where you have to swipe the dust off a portion of the train compartment exterior with your bread and enjoy the unique taste of train pao. It is truly an eye opening tongue blaster of an experience that one can relish only in Bombay's popular Bhiwandi Railway Station. For our city folks i am opening a branch at Bombay Central Station soon.
Train Special dust pao : Rs 3.


Tuesdays
we have Garbage Bin Pao pao. The dust and extra flavors one gets out of swiping the bread off of a garbage bin is one of the most rewarding dish on the menu but unfortunately only served on tue. One patron walked up to the table(garbage bin) and skipped straight to the desert which is our very own home made pao dipped in sugar syrup thrown against the flavor infested metal of the garbage bin. The pao then sticks to the metal and the sugar syrup absorbs the malnutrients immediately. Chopsticks are provided for on location to pick the small delicious morsels of sticky bread.
Garbage Bin Pao :Rs 12
Sticky Sweet Bin Pao :Rs 7.50

Wednesdays
i have to make the long journey to the taxi stand to serve our patrons with glee as i dish out pao after pao to orgasmic customers who absolutely love the taxi pao. The trick is to hold the pao at a 45 deg angle and swipe the rubber tires and the metal hubcap of the taxi in quick succession. This is an art and can only come from practice and repeatedly eating our very own Taxi Pao. The reason this dish is nowadays in vogue is because it is not only cheap but i also provide freshly cut lime that one has to rub their teeth with after relishing the pao. Some patrons even like to add a dash of lime directly to the hubcaps and the rubber. To each his own.

Technique : Divide the pao in half. Dual wield the 2 halves. With one hand vigorously rub the hubcap and the other hand scratch the rubber. Add lime.

Taxi Pao : Rs 2.

Thursday
Our reknowned, celebrated technically liberating dish the one and only, Wall Pao, is served with chilli sauce and white pao baked to a toasty crisp. The result of the constant scratching between toasty crumbs against hardened cement and concrete coupled with the molecular interactions between dust, grime and pure virginal bread is a taste to die for. This is the one dish that brought us fame in all the metros in India. Truly satisfying. Be warned, our chilli sauce is extremely spicy made with rotten habanero extract and roasted red chill crush. It is mostly a catalyst in the chemical reaction that takes place in the above.
Throbbing Tongue Wall Pao : Rs 20.

Fridays and weekends closed.
I reserve the right to deny service to anyone.

The Asshole Incarnate.

Call me blasphemous or whatever but if you idolize this afro mofo BoneyM look alike then you must be into homoeroticism.
A couple of days ago i found out about the insane amount of homoeroticism and paedophilia this dude has been involved in. This dude is none other than satya sai baba (fuck it im not even typing his name in caps) who is considered by around 50 million people all over the world as the re-incarnation of God himself. Let us call him Sally.
I personally have nothing against gays but this homo who poses as the incarnation of God himself taking everybody for a ride and sodomizing little boys in his 'interview room' is worth writing about.Why?Because of his sheer talent to fool top physicists, politicians (who are born gays) and scientists alike.In India you can take anybody for a ride but when you see a couple of intelligent, progressive people like the andhra pradesh chief minister and harvard grads like T.N Seshan pledge their allegiance to Sally's spiritual path-showing and his amazing miracles. We have a problem.
Now this thing about miracles and such. Sally gained notoriety when he started doing miracles and that show i heard about him first when i was a kid. This guy materialises jewellery, expensive lockets and jewel encrusted rings from nowhere and gives it to his homo friends. Whats worse is he gives all these expensive items to rich people!!! and materialises ash from his hands for the poor!!!How fucking lame is that? People are dying of hunger and Sally wont bend for the poor!How sad. If this was god incarnate on earth dont you think his first priority would've been Somalia? But noooo Sally wants to give expensive shit to the rich politicians and his other rich homo friends because they are the ones funding his multi billion dollar empire. How clever!
My man P.C Sorkar who is the king of all that is 'magic'..look him up google will ya, he kicks my ass and he rocks...showed us how Sally performs his 'miracles'..sleight of hand. Simple shit to someone who has mastered this art for more than 30 years. I mean come on Seshan wake the fuck up! The ring that youre wearing has been custom made for you in Sally's own backyard. Anyways i had never seen him perform miracles until i stumbled upon banned footage of Sally accepting an award at some gay ceremony. Sally touches this huge award from below, hehehe...and his right hand seems to be searching for something. He gives the award back and moves his right hand in the air and fucking voila!??? A gold chained pendant for the guy who gave him the award!! Isnt that cool?
I also want one but i ain't letting Sally near my award. I could go on and on about how he's been challenged by some cats from Sweden that wanted to prove that his miracles are either true or bs. Now swedes are cool people but anyways these cats challenged Sally for some lab experiments utilizing the most ultra hi tech gear available. Sally said "my powers are not for show". Not for show? You sonofabitch!! (insert arnold impression). Go figure.
Secondly Sally is the worst homo in charge around there in Puttaparthi in South India. Now what he does is very mad check this out. He spots young boys who come to his ashram and hand picks the ones that he likes. Then the boy is given an exclusive interview with Sally.Obviously the boy is very pleased that he has been chosen by Sally. When the interview room closes in goes Sally's hand in the boys pants! I am not fucking joking..this shit has happened to a lot of people. Not only young boys but also married men who Sally has sexually abused. Some beyond repair. He infact told one dude to make his wife wait outside the interview room..then when they were alone Sally tells him " youre wife is diseased, you must leave her" THEN! He put his hands inside this mans pants and started doing the business.The man was as shocked as i was when i read at least 30 testimonies of people who have come forward with these shocking statements on record. In fact most of Sally's sexual victims were/are idiotic europeans seeking spiritual bliss who even i can con into making them believe im some sort of spiritual guide. For a lot of people, especially americans and europeans, being spiritual is the most fucking cool thing you can ever do. So well who do we go to? Sally!!! The biggest spiritual guide in India. Man he must be cool cause he's in India (land of the mystics oooohhhh)and has a huge following.
So thats what happened right? These young boys went for spiritual bliss and got their dicks stroked by Sally who claimed to be sexually liberating them and in turn taking them to a higher level of spirituality. Holy shit, if i am a stupid white man and i listen to this stuff from THE MAN himself...i sure as hell AM in spiritual bliss even if my mind says that whats happening is wrong.
So these people who got sodomized and sexually abused came forward and spoke about this stuff and it fucking pissed me off. Pissed me off so badly that here i am writing about it cause i want to get it out of my system.
Sally you fucking asshole i hope you die a bad one, b'cause you're next life is sure as hell going to be a karmic nightmare.
And i hope you lose the fucking boneyM look-alike contest.

p.s For all the info on Sally's misdeeds check out www.exbaba.com.

Dream number 209033900029009

Had a beautiful dream last night.Made me appreciate my barber a little more.
I shaved my head yesterday and dreamt that i suddenly had looooong hair till my waist and that it was all wet and i was tying it up constantly into a 4 foot ponytail and im paranoid about how the fux did my hair grow so long in one night? and at the same time i am trying to hide from the mob? That freaked me out and i woke up in cold sweat.

Green Being

Heres an interesting conversation with a friend who studies the complex world of plants so deeply that her philosophy on growth has changed.

Me : You have hairy legs?
Me : u dont wax or what?
QUEEN GREENY :waxing costs 40 bucks..!!
Me : OMG
QUEEN GREENY : can u imagine..?
QUEEN GREENY : so im letting as much hair grow..so i have to go only once in 2 months..
Me : dont even think of flaunting them in front of me i will be put off for life
QUEEN GREENY : WTF.u dont like natural or what...???
Me : ewwww what natural?
Me : balls to that
Me : i cant imagine and i dont want to imagine!
QUEEN GREENY : ha haahahh..
QUEEN GREENY : come on you got to love hairy scary legs ya..
Me : women are not supposed to have hair on their legs
QUEEN GREENY : no shaddap
Me : ewwww
Me : STOP IT!!!
QUEEN GREENY : shadddddupppppppyouuuuurrrslefffffmrrrrrr
Me : lets not talk about it
QUEEN GREENY : why.. :(
QUEEN GREENY : its bbeautiful

Deals made,to be remembered.

Panoo - "Ok If we're 60 and still single? We are getting married!!"
Anu - "Ok if im not married by the time im 27 lets get married"
Rush - "Ok forget marriage, lets just make a few zillion good lookin babies"

Hollywood overlooks defecation in films.

I was watching Chronicles of Riddick today and during a scene that involves a lot of running though deadlands and wastelands, trying to escape the bad guys, a thought came to me.
What if Riddick feels like shitting while climbing that cliff face? Like right now?! Like not later but RIGHT FUCKING NOW!!
What then?
Since movies try real hard to look real and to try and keep you grasped the directors should think about this important factor when dealing with humanoid characters. Humans need to defecate.
What really annoys me is that never in a movie do you see a character escaping from the bad guys but stopping midway to shit. You dont have to actually show it but can suggest it can't you?That really fucking ticks me off! If youre gonna make me believe that he is in trouble and that the bad guys are gonna catch up to him, thats trying to fuck with my emotions directly isn't it? Then if your'e doing that job so well, why are you being unrealistic about shitting and peeing?
Do you know how hard it is to run when you feel like you reeeealllly gotta go? There is no way that someone can run or think or do anything but drop his pants down when the shit feels like it wants explode.
So when Riddick is climbing that cliff face and he HAS to shit, you need a dialogue saying that
"damn i gotta shit!, ugh but i'll do it after i climb this piece of shit" After he climbs it he goes behind a rock. Cut. Thats it! Thats all that im asking for you bs hollywood directors!
Anyways just had another thought,
What if Batman wanted to shit in the middle of a fight?
You think about it.

Kung Fu

A seminar on the extra vehicular, intra political nature of Kung Fu and Chemical Wu Shu.
By Grandmaster Si Ach Fei.

INTRODUCTION
Good evening. My name is Grandmaster Si Ach Fei and I am today going to talk about the various styles of kung fu and chemical wu shu.
Kung fu is one of the most important martial art styles of the enveloping fist. The fist in this case is also a cause for various forms of destruction, which are in turn caused by the amazing flow of rational air multiplied by irrational behavior of intra molecular particles within the sinuses. Therefore it is one of the factors that make it the most dangerous and deadly forms of fighting around the world. But what do we exactly mean by the above statement? If we multiply the twelve styles of the highly carbohydrated protein Kung fu and deduct its limbic value we are left with nothing but a vesicular chamber that encompasses all breath trapped within the inner ears. Now as we gaze upon these various styles propagated by various men of great variety why don’t we see how its jugular being comes into play.

THE GLASS KICK.
All actuals that invite themselves into the world of Kung Fu are dominant upon biological and chemical processes. What we see here in its entirety is the breakdown of high synthetic protein fibre located in the modulus elongata, an area that is uncharted by medical history, that which is located in the central amoebic cortex of the human brain and only known to those practicing the glass kick. This is the most vulnerable part of the brain and can be easily accessed by the striker to gain entry into the brain directly bypassing the skulls monosynthetic defenses. To the practitioner of the glass kick the skull is non-existent and the brain of the opponent presents itself in its frivolous nakedness that draws an emotional response negated by the force that is dormant within its succulent walls.
As demonstrated by Grandmaster Lung-Ho-Gong and Master Ling-San-Bak in the year 1989 the glass kick is but, a vehicle carrying a sharp projecting force that invades the human brain making it devoid of all oxygen upon vibrofibular transparent contact. From their demonstration, the conclusions reached by the AEGFAF seminar in 1989 are extraordinary and can be confirmed by the honorary victim Lao Shieh (posthumous) who upon coming in contact with the glass kick described the feeling as, a combination of overwhelming sorrow and a ultra hi frequency, sub-sonic super tickle. The sub sonic vibration caused by the repeating hammering of the brain by the attackers toes displays itself in the most prolific manner leaving an aftertaste in the victims mouth that is confirmed by Lo Shieh as one of peanut butter mixed with dry Ramen.


...to be continued

The Great Habanero Circus

Today we shall talk about how important it is to experiment with habanero peppers. Habanero peppers are extremely important for our sphincter as it helps relax the entity and also psuedo-neuralizes any limbic intincts that we have.
Yesterday a young fellow named Jose came to my house and in the pretext of selling ballpens tried to rob me. He screamed " you fucking bastardo get down and gimme everything you have in your refrigerator ".
He took out a knife that was 5 inches long and motioned it menacingly at me but i was too smart for that bullshit, and because of my insanely high numbered glasses i was able to binoculate onto his knife which clearly show the letters in bold "made in china".
Chinese knives that are imported to the USA are of ultra high quality fake materials and are known for their breakability. Upon this typographical revelation i let him enter and as he turned to look towards my pc i pulled out my SOG seal revolver knife and with one swing chopped his blade in half sending that piece of metal flying. He was shocked and looked angrier than ever.
I asked him if he had eaten and he replied that he was hungry. Asking him to sit down i offered to cook him some of my exotic stuff. He seemed a bit relaxed now and a little shocked at my compassionate behaviour.
Switched on my favourite channel which had the "Iron Chef : RoastLamb" episode running, just to get his appetite working. From the kitchen i could see his eyes glued to the tv.
I started working.
First,took 8 habanero peppers and blended them into a thick paste, then 5 whole peppers with 2 tablespoons of red chilly powder from India, 3 cloves of garlic with one whole wad of mashed ginger. This delicious concoction was then added to half a cup of vegetable oil and 1 cup of shampoo.
Blended all the stuff together slowly adding shots of lime + vodka and crushed ice. Then gave it a shot of fruit spray to mask the spicyness of the affair.
Meanwhile Jose was looking really hungry, and thirsty i may add. He got up as i entered and motioning him to sit down, handing him the glass i asked him if he had medical insurance? He looked confused and said "no" . I looked at him and motioned him to drink the ice cold stuff while it was still hot......